I’m so pleased to announce my first-ever guest post on eHarmony’s Advice Blog! If you aren’t already, you guys should be reading this blog—it’s filled with good little tidbits to help you in the whole process of dating, online and off. When I think of dating, I’m reminded of the job interview process. We dress up, show up on time, and we are prepared to sell ourselves to land the “right” job. It feels structured, almost rehearsed, like there’s a perfect answer waiting to be found.

Same with dating—the more efficient we can be, the more effective, right? While this might work for your career, it’s the exact opposite of how you should date. Of course I felt the need to bring up speed dating in my post, since hosting those events gave me an interesting perspective on dating in general. We are all too rushed when it comes to dating, and we barely give anyone time to breathe. We want instant clarity, instant chemistry, instant answers.

We can only meet for a coffee in-between other appointments. We make a decision about someone within the first three minutes of meeting him/her. And we definitely don’t have time for some long-ass dinner date. Especially for someone we barely know. So, we are our own worst enemy. In our rush to find the “right” one we don’t connect with anybody. Instead, we find ourselves getting increasingly annoyed with everyone we meet. The faster we move, the less we actually notice.

Dating seems like a waste of time, because it hasn’t happened for you on your own terms. But finding love often doesn’t happen on your terms. You have to open yourself up and go with the flow. Get out of your own way. Trust in the process. Give it time. It is anything but a job. It asks for patience, curiosity, and a willingness to be surprised. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop trying so hard to control the outcome.